It’s no secret that I am continuously trying to lose weight. Not because I’m obese and may get contracted to do a cameo on the New Zoo Revue 2018 or anything like that. It’s that my family members have a tendency to be on the heavy side (hmm…maybe that’s why they’re all dead). Don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t mind being a hippo or a cow (oops, gender change) if it wasn’t for the insects. I couldn’t live with flies and mosquitoes flying around me all the time. Ironically, some past ex-friends attracted bugs too but they were always full of s**t so that’s understandable. If you’re male, there’s a self-test you can take to know if you’re overweight or not: stand upright and look down. If you can’t see a trace of your private parts, it means your smelly jelly belly’s been too much at the deli. It also eliminates any chance of being a sex god contortionist unless you get hit by a 1970 bright yellow Pontiac Cutlass 442 at 180 miles an hour blasting late 70’s disco music while you’re waiting in line to ride Space Mountain . . . but that’s another story, darling. Chances are you will be mistaken for a human pretzel if this happens to you.
At this point, you may be laughing but, if you’re not, it’s probably because you’re condemning my style of writing. I am very conscious of sentence structures and topic continuity. I deliberately break the rules because . . . why shouldn’t I? The run-on sentence is an indication of something exceptionally outlandish. The constant change of topics is me telling my ADHD to do what it’s good at.
Now, back to the original topic . . .
Dieting is not easy. You get to say goodbye to all your favorite foods that would’ve eventually killed you. Walking a minimum of 12,000 steps a day is my routine for now. This is how I lost 47 lbs. last year. I gained all the weight back because I looked like a stick figure and dogs were persistently confusing me for canine calcium treats. Anyhow, it is challenging to walk this amount of steps a day. You must find ways to entertain yourself. I usually walk in parks or malls and avoid gyms because they are filled with flesh-eating bacteria. I want to lose weight but not by being swiftly consumed by ravenous micro-organisms. Walking in parks exposes you to the element of surprise. These constituents include the walking dead, wicked fowl, vagabonds urinating in public, flying scavengers, and an occasional sloth sitting on a bench with hundreds of copies of the latest Watchtower propaganda for your unanticipated excretory system malfunctions. I usually pick the mall for my walking.
At an outdoor mall, you get to see the weekly sales on the window panes as sweat drips into your soon bloodshot eyes. Even this becomes boring after a while especially since I walk at sunrise when there are no shoppers, the stores are still closed, the security guard is sleeping somewhere undetectable or watching porn on his cellphone, and a relative of that damn park sloth is slowly decomposing on the one bench in the entire mall still waiting for unsuspecting victims. It did not take long to come up with a solution to the monotony. I set my mind to “juvenile” and downloaded Pokemon Go! I, now, walk with my friends Pikachu, Snorlax, Squitle, and Jynx even though Jynx reminds me of my first wife at times. This may sound exceptionally senseless but it gets the job done. I am not self-conscious of my environment, the now-rising grueling sunrays, the oceans of sweat, or even the baby Cthulhu which jumped on my head while walking next to the mall’s gigantic pond.
I don’t know how successful I will be with the diet this time around. Perhaps I should cut down on the pumpkin coffee creamer (Wal-Mart carries it year-round!) or the strawberry shortcake cookies baked by elves who do not participate on Pokemon Go! and are intimate friends of Lee the Tree. If all fails, I can always pick up some copies of the Watchtower from the floor and not leave the mall until I re-distribute them to shoppers not fans of Camus or Sartre. I’m bound to have shed, at least, 93 pounds by the time I get rid of them . . . or . . . baby Cthulhu became hungry and made me into a pile of bones which will trigger the damn dogs to come after me again.