The sequel​: Doctor Visit & Eliminating Exaggerated​ Misconceptions, Pt. 2

The second part of a two-part blog post. To read the first part, go to https://douglaslynnblog.wordpress.com/2018/07/16/doctor-visit-eliminating-exagerrated-misconceptions-pt-1

…and please, pardon the misspelling on the title.

Let me start by saying that you may be able to teach a dog how many dog biscuits he desires by softly biting several of your newly pedicured toes but it is doubtful he will be able to do your calculus homework. Besides, if you push the dog too far, he’ll just bite off your whole foot. What exactly do I mean by this ludicrous example? Well, my new doctor turned out to be a gem not to mention his assistants. However, I feel there’s something missing in the equation. Specialists usually take care of this problem but my hesitancy revolves around “wondering where the missing quarter pie went to.” After some deep thought, I realized what the missing link was. A nutritionist.

Dr. Fu, I mean, Dr. Wong told me I was quite low on potassium and prescribed me five (yes, 5) potassium pills the size of the Stay Puft man. I am to take one a day and return to the office next Friday to feed the vampires once again. I’m still wondering when I’m getting my free pair of movie tickets. Everything else on the blood and urine test came out perfect except a little detail I noticed upon examining the results which pretty much tells me I shouldn’t have drunk so much straight rum and tequila years ago. No biggie. Turmeric seems to be the wonder drug for everything and I pop those supplements like the old butterscotch Life Savers.

But going back to the nutritionist . . . It is not much a nutritionist as an alternative medicine know-it-all what I need. These are the ones who deal with everything the FDA disapproves of. Oh, have I mentioned before that the FDA is full of s**t? Let’s put it this way: the FDA FORBIDS Vitamin B17 in the U.S. Supposedly, it’s a “cancer-cure” pill but only my readers in the U.K. can shed some light on this since, apparently, it’s only available in the Motherland. Next thing you know, the FDA will also ban Curcumin. Anyhow . . . As is, I take enough vitamins, minerals, and amino acid supplements to keep GNC in business until scientists discover that snacking on beet marmalade covered wrinkled eyelashes from gender-confused, insecto-primitivoe from Southside Uranus is good for you. It’ll probably taste better that vegameatavitamin syrup too. This overindulgence of pills might be the reason why I always pass my blood exams with flying colors. At times, though, you get caught up with all that’s available and you forget to research the drug interactions and end up in the hospital. This happened to me when I started taking Ginkgo Biloba. Let’s just say the reaction was not favorable.

***

I started writing this post yesterday morning. The reaction to the Stay Puft potassium has been intense. How can ONE pill knock me on my a** so rapidly? I almost had to super glue my butt to a porta-toilet because of it. The worst part is that I still four more days to go. Meanwhile, I have an ingrown hair on my neck which is quite inflamed. What a mess and it’s always right before my birthday (next weekend).

In conclusion, it seems like if it’s not one thing, it’s another and one must be disciplined enough to understand that “it is what it is” when it comes to life’s disrupting events. Now, I must teach my Chihuahua the concepts of quantum physics before he devours my feet.

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DOCTOR VISIT & ELIMINATING EXAGERRATED MISCONCEPTIONS, Pt. 1

Last Friday, I had an appointment with a new doctor. This is always a problem for me for numerous reasons. First and foremost, I hate doctors because of my past experiences with them. Secondly, I have to pay for everything. I lost my insurance in my last job because of the required ACA imposed on corporations. I worked for a small company which was already going under so my healthcare was axed followed by my employment. It wasn’t necessary for the owner to do this but even though I was very knowledgeable at my position, he despised me. Karma’s a bitch, they say, and it wasn’t long after I received my walking papers that he received a social call from the notorious reaper (which probably was followed by a close encounter with Lee the Tree but I guess I’ll know for sure once it’s my turn to travel to “the beyond.”) But, as they also say, “one closed door opens another one” and this resulted in my going back to school for my English degree. The third reason why I do not like doctors is interconnected to the first reason. Fear, at times, may create misconceptions which may develop into highly ridiculous misunderstandings about practically anything. Huh? Exactly! Let me explain.

Here is an example of what I’m trying to say: Just because the doctor has a common Oriental last name, you shouldn’t expect him to look like Fu Manchu or Hong Kong Phooey. Also, the person that draws your blood is not Nosferatu or a giant leech with breasts. In both of these cases, I was wrong but, as I was lying down on the examination table, I wondered why there were so many eye impressions on the office’s roof where blood is drawn. Better yet, why did they insist on drawing my blood while lying down? Simple! You don’t feel anything while you’re being drained from your blood supply. I had something else to worry about once I came to my senses thinking that the eyes belonged to concealed albino vampires lurking within the white popcorn roof. Momma Bloodsucker rolled in an electrocardiography machine and, suddenly, I had a past life regression (or an acid flashback) dealing with electroshock therapy at a castle’s dungeon in Avar Khanate which has to erred because Nikola Tesla was only eight years old when that country became history and the only thing shocking he had experienced at that point was watching a sixty-three foot crab emerge from the Great Sheffield Flood with binoculars anticipating the Battle of Elkin’s Ferry across the great pond. In a matter of seconds, my body was covered in electrodes which brought to mind the two weirdo kids in the dumbest Skittles commercial ever.  Traditionally, the back ends of the electrodes are covered with gorilla glue which would explain the enigmatic roof décor. Once the technician crudely yanks off the electrodes from very hairy chested men, their eyes would jump out of their sockets and attach themselves to the roof thus leaving the impression. To my surprise, the process took about fifteen seconds and my extraocular muscles did not need to be put to the test.

Dr. Fu, I mean, Dr. Wong then walks in and begins his routine consisting of 156 questions followed by a grab and squeeze throughout my tense body. He kept on asking “does this hurt” but I had no pain anywhere. Next came the urine test. I was sent to a restroom which had a small door on the wall where you place your sample. I kept thinking the small door would open and an Allen Funt German clone’s head with a “Wim Wenders rule” tattoo across his brow would appear continuously shouting “Was ist das?” I was actually afraid to open the door and place the small bottle inside.

In conclusion, the doctor told me I was in perfect shape pending the blood and urine results which I should have late this week. This is outstanding news but it also makes me think that my prevalent problem is the yet undiagnosed ADHD and my exaggerated perception of things. That’s what happens to individuals who watch too many Monty Python animations as youngsters. Too late for me! It’s time for some “Lumberjack Spam in Seasoned Shrubberies” made from dead parrots and partial remains of Spiny Norman.

Diet Walking and Imaginary Creatures

It’s no secret that I am continuously trying to lose weight. Not because I’m obese and may get contracted to do a cameo on the New Zoo Revue 2018 or anything like that. It’s that my family members have a tendency to be on the heavy side (hmm…maybe that’s why they’re all dead). Don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t mind being a hippo or a cow (oops, gender change) if it wasn’t for the insects. I couldn’t live with flies and mosquitoes flying around me all the time. Ironically, some past ex-friends attracted bugs too but they were always full of s**t so that’s understandable. If you’re male, there’s a self-test you can take to know if you’re overweight or not: stand upright and look down. If you can’t see a trace of your private parts, it means your smelly jelly belly’s been too much at the deli. It also eliminates any chance of being a sex god contortionist unless you get hit by a 1970 bright yellow Pontiac Cutlass 442 at 180 miles an hour blasting late 70’s disco music while you’re waiting in line to ride Space Mountain . . . but that’s another story, darling. Chances are you will be mistaken for a human pretzel if this happens to you.

At this point, you may be laughing but, if you’re not, it’s probably because you’re condemning my style of writing. I am very conscious of sentence structures and topic continuity. I deliberately break the rules because . . . why shouldn’t I? The run-on sentence is an indication of something exceptionally outlandish. The constant change of topics is me telling my ADHD to do what it’s good at.

Now, back to the original topic . . .

Dieting is not easy. You get to say goodbye to all your favorite foods that would’ve eventually killed you. Walking a minimum of 12,000 steps a day is my routine for now. This is how I lost 47 lbs. last year. I gained all the weight back because I looked like a stick figure and dogs were persistently confusing me for canine calcium treats. Anyhow, it is challenging to walk this amount of steps a day. You must find ways to entertain yourself. I usually walk in parks or malls and avoid gyms because they are filled with flesh-eating bacteria. I want to lose weight but not by being swiftly consumed by ravenous micro-organisms. Walking in parks exposes you to the element of surprise. These constituents include the walking dead, wicked fowl, vagabonds urinating in public, flying scavengers, and an occasional sloth sitting on a bench with hundreds of copies of the latest Watchtower propaganda for your unanticipated excretory system malfunctions. I usually pick the mall for my walking.

At an outdoor mall, you get to see the weekly sales on the window panes as sweat drips into your soon bloodshot eyes. Even this becomes boring after a while especially since I walk at sunrise when there are no shoppers, the stores are still closed, the security guard is sleeping somewhere undetectable or watching porn on his cellphone, and a relative of that damn park sloth is slowly decomposing on the one bench in the entire mall still waiting for unsuspecting victims. It did not take long to come up with a solution to the monotony. I set my mind to “juvenile” and downloaded Pokemon Go! I, now, walk with my friends Pikachu, Snorlax, Squitle, and Jynx even though Jynx reminds me of my first wife at times. This may sound exceptionally senseless but it gets the job done. I am not self-conscious of my environment, the now-rising grueling sunrays, the oceans of sweat, or even the baby Cthulhu which jumped on my head while walking next to the mall’s gigantic pond.

I don’t know how successful I will be with the diet this time around. Perhaps I should cut down on the pumpkin coffee creamer (Wal-Mart carries it year-round!) or the strawberry shortcake cookies baked by elves who do not participate on Pokemon Go! and are intimate friends of Lee the Tree. If all fails, I can always pick up some copies of the Watchtower from the floor and not leave the mall until I re-distribute them to shoppers not fans of Camus or Sartre. I’m bound to have shed, at least, 93 pounds by the time I get rid of them . . . or . . . baby Cthulhu became hungry and made me into a pile of bones which will trigger the damn dogs to come after me again.

Nudity and disappearing stores in Cocoa Beach

Years ago, I made an Excel file with everything I may need on any given road trip. I printed a few copies and stored them inside my file cabinet. The sheet has an item column and two very narrow columns to check-in and check-out the desired items. It became tiresome to reach your destination and find out you forgot the Pepto Bismol when you most needed it. It was always something: the toothbrush, the hotel rewards card, a sock (not the pair), a fifty-pack of chlorine-resistant sea monkeys to empty into the pool, or simply the reservations. However, the list isn’t foolproof. A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned that I had gone to a local beach where I experienced spiritual cleansing as I ran away from a possible emu/Sasquatch entity hiding in the brush. The sea was serene without any signs of life or waves. My swimming trunks were still on a hanger in the garage when I was packing. I checked the box corresponding to underwear when I remembered the missing item. Rapidly, I jogged over to the garage and snatched them from the hanger. I threw them into my duffel bag and continued packing. I had forgotten that they fitted a bit loose since I have been dieting lately. I thought I had checked the corresponding box for the swim trunks but I missed it by one row.
It was a relatively short drive to my destination: Cocoa Beach. The area was jam-packed with people because of the July the 4th celebration. Once I checked into the hotel and started unpacking, I realized what I had forgotten. Nowhere was I to find my vitamins and minerals. How could I have forgotten? Didn’t I realize the duffel bag was nearly empty since it was missing fifteen bottles? I hopped over to the nearest pharmacy and bought a small bottle of One-a-Day to make up for the missing pills. Needless to say, I bought the one with iron which I cannot take because it gives me major stomach cramps. That night, I sat in the oceanfront balcony drinking Cabernet watching the glowing red neon emulating from the Cocoa Beach Pier’s streetlamps. Very peaceful; very pretty.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning and rushed over to the beach. I have become self-conscious about my weight so I went for a dip before the crabs woke up and the people started flooding the beach. To my surprise, there were a few early birds but they looked much worse than me so I didn’t get discouraged. Unlike my previous beach visit, there were many waves not to mention sandbanks. A huge wave toppled me at the precise time I walked into one of these unexpected surprises. After doing a couple of underwater somersaults, I stood up and revealed my bare butt to the world. Yep, I’ve shed some pounds and the few misshapen beachgoers became witness to my weight loss success.
The following day, I took a quick shower and I drove west on highway 520 passing Merritt Island and into city of Cocoa. The downtown area is quaint and gorgeous reminding me of Naperville, Illinois, or Mount Dora, Florida. It became very cloudy so I jumped back into my rented Rav 2 and headed back. The Indian River bridge is steep with unacceptable railings so I didn’t want to experience the crossing under unfavorable conditions. Once I was back on AIA, I took a left to visit a couple of thrift stores I had seen the day before. I usually visit independent thrift stores because I collect 78 RPM records. They were very close to Cape Canaveral so I had a general idea where to find them. Little did I know, I had just driven into the Twilight Zone. I drove back and forth to no avail. Both stores had vanished. The only thing I saw was Rod Serling playing with a 63-foot crab in a mini-golf park which made me drive to a Mediterranean restaurant for lunch. I walked in to a sparsely decorated eatery with no one in sight. A minute later, someone came from the backroom and greeted me. I asked for falafel but he mentioned kafta and that it was called beef in his insanely strange accent. Huh? He went to the back room and brought a metallic bowl with chickpeas. I understood: “No falafel. Not today. Maybe later.” He then stuck his hand inside the bowl and started munching on the chickpeas. “Go to Pita Palace; good friend.” WTF? I have had enough of strangeness for one day so I drove to Publix and bought their version of a Happy Meal.
This brings me up-to-date as I sit here writing this blog sipping on some more Cabarnet. It has been a strange but relaxing outing. The hotel was fine and I showed my butt to strangers. I think that qualifies as a successful quick trip to the Space Coast. Now, I have to write a short story for a reading next weekend at the SFWA. Happy trails!

A bit of everything going on

This is not your typical post. This is just to update all that’s going on. . .

My diet is going slow. I believe why I’m losing weight slowly this time around is the excessive amounts of flavored creamers. At 35 calories a teaspoon, I am indulging on about 320 calories per coffee. Multiply that by 4 and you have 1280 calories on coffee a day. Luckily, I’m walking an average of 12,000 steps a day.

A quick 4th of July vacation at Cocoa Beach is on schedule. Could you imagine? The beach twice in one month? Sea lice galore! Major Nelson and Major Healey along with Dr. Bellows and Jeannie were invited but there’s been no response…especially from Nelson & Bellows.

I gotta tell you about the little blonde ghost girl that whispers to me every week. This is quite spooky. Oh, and there’s a marathon runner that hides behind walls too. Never a dull moment at the Lynn household.

My birthday is at the end of the month. Not looking forward to it but I hear the 63-foot crab and the emu/Sasquatch are attending. Who knows? Maybe even Lee the Tree!

Doctor visits upcoming. Never a good thing since they’re usually the bearers of bad news.

Finally, after a 2017 that saw the ending of four long-term alliances with “so-called friends & family,” I have managed not to ax anyone this year so far. It does help when I send malevolent, smiling crustaceans to their respective homes to create carnal chaos.

That’s all, folks. I’ll post a blog from NASA in a few days.

BTW, the radio pictured is a 1940’s Fada. Eventually, I will own one.